Cheese (With No Burger) In Heaven
By Rick Brown

Let's just say I've never been a big fan of Put in Bay, the little town on South Bass Island in Lake Erie. My brother refers to it as Put in Jail. He was arrested for…um…rowing a dingy under the influence. But that's another story altogether. The few times I have visited there were unpleasant, especially the summer I was on a sailboat excursion with my aforementioned brother. It was so crowded we had to tie up to another boat. And another boat tied up to us, etc, etc. Jimmy Buffet BLARED out of the guy's boat tied to us, until 4 am. Then resumed at much the same decibel level at sunrise. To this day I cannot think of anything else when I hear "Cheeseburger in Paradise". I suppose that's as good a thought for that song as any. Put in Bay is sort of a "Key mid - West" so to speak.

I had wanted to spend a long weekend on Kelley's Island, which is a few miles east. Kelley's is much more laid back. You can party there if you like. But people aren't in your face all the time. The riff raff is more easily avoided. But we had our dog along for the trip and Kelley's has few places that allow pets. And to be honest, the Kelley's Chamber of Commerce was much slower at getting back to me with accommodation opportunities. So we booked a cottage on South Bass far enough away from the downtown area to hopefully get some peace and quiet.

For the ferry ride I picked up a copy of the Put in Bay Gazette, a local weekly that has stories about past and future events on the island. One article struck me in particular. It was an arrest report. This is a perfect way for me to explain exactly what the clientele of this place is like…at least the darker side. The folks who only know Put in Bay as a place with the Universe's longest bar. I'm talking about the people who start drinking at breakfast and sincerely believe as the days wears on…as the beers flows…they become more and more attractive to the opposite sex. Keep in mind these arrest statistics only run through September 7, 2002. But since the majority of them probably came in the summer I'm fairly sure this is an accurate yearly total.

In 2002 there have been a total of 890 arrests. Open Container leads the way with 129 followed by 90 Possession (what is possessed is not mentioned.). Third is Disorderly Conduct at 74. Then Paraphernalia at 56, Criminal Trespass with 47, 32 Assaults, Disorderly Conduct Public Intoxication 35 (These must be drunken specialists.), then 34 Stop Sign Violations, 28 Public Indecency and last but certainly not least 27 Under Age Drinking arrests. (Apparently people have "seen the light"…so to speak… about rowing a dingy under the influence.) Since there are only about 400 permanent residents I think it's safe to assume the vast majority of people getting read their rights are visiting. And what theses statistics show in the context of this article is exactly why I was visiting here with my wife and pooch in the glorious…and hopefully quieter…off season.

Once off the ferry we stopped at the one of many golf cart rental places and picked up the key to our home away from home. If you aren't spending the night it's frowned upon to bring a car along with you. This keeps the traffic down (Not to mention the Stop Sign arrests.) and bolsters the local golf cart rental economy. Ain't no way lazy Americans on holiday are going to ride a bike or…heaven forbid…walk…around the island. Not when they can zoom around on a golf cart!

We arrived at our cottage and from the outside it looked okay enough. But the first thing I noticed once we entered the "fully equipped" kitchen (This usually means you now get the opportunity to make coffee in the very first Mr. Coffee!) was one of those fake mounted fish that sings "Take Me To The River" (Along with several other nautically themed ditties.) every time you walk past it. This was cheesy enough. But there…over the dining room table that looked like it was once the proud serving area for a prison…was a genuine stuffed deer head trophy thing. And the stuffed deer head trophy thing had been comically decorated with beads and sunglasses!!! What a treat! Two quasi-vegetarians eating under a dead deer head!! Could it get any better? The answer is YES!

I won't mention the name of the cottage rental place. But it is just two letters and then the word rental. I'll give you a couple hints. It could also be the bra cup size of say…Carmen Electra and the lowest grade one could achieve short of failure. Anyway, we unloaded the car and thought to make the best of it. But in the living room…and I use the term "living" loosely…there was the most mismatched furniture I've ever seen. A chair with no legs sat next to the…um…entertainment center that housed a television capable of 2 1 /2 channels. Not continuously mind you. In front of the T.V. was what had to be the coffee table from the old 70's disco Studio 54. The entire top was a mirror. I picture all the 70's beautiful people gather around it and pompously snorting New York's best cocaine up their collective noses.

We settled in the bedroom and got our clothes unpacked. At least the bed…small as it was…seemed comfortable. I also thought it was a charming touch to have pictures of historic outhouses in both the bathrooms. But the best surprise we had was awakening the next morning to the sounds of not one…not two…but FOUR ROOSTERS! That's right. The neighbors next door…directly out the master bedroom window…were four wandering, cock a doodle doing ROOSTERS!!!! And all this luxury for a paltry $80 per night!

The three of us made the best of it as well we could. Although by the time Henri discovered our deer head friend above the prison table the next day it took him a little while to relax. Yet the island does have some charm. Okay so there are vineyards that make wine sweeter than grape Kool Aid with 4 times the sugar the recipe calls for. But if you take the time to hike around…ride a bike perhaps…the place is quite beautiful. Even the town of Put in Bay is quaint without the summer tourists. And there are little things to have fun with. I mean…when was the last time you and your companions climbed into one of those photo booths and took some goofy pictures? You can read about the "fish guts" controversy in the local paper and have a chuckle or two. On Sundays at 2:30 in the afternoon there's a vintage car parade. Or you can play a rousing game of War of 1912 Miniature Golf! A visitor has to embrace the situation right?

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Vintage Car Parade...................... Goofy Pictures

A visit to the Admiral Perry Victory and Peace Monument is a must. I was quite impressed really…not just with the view atop the tallest phallic symbol in the Midwest…but the museum is incredibly interesting. It will definitely strike any person with a vague interest in history just how long we've been killing each other and the creative ways we come up with to do so. But seriously, I hadn't thought about the American-Canadian border not only being the longest in the world, but there has been peace on this border longer than anywhere in the world since history began. Which…when you think about it…is kind of sad.

So take a trip to South Bass. I mean it! Just go in the off-season. Take a good book or two…or three. Go fishing. Just be careful what you do with the fish guts. Ride a bike to the State Park. (You can get a good look at the Davis Besse Nuclear Power Plant that almost turned into a meltdown earlier this year.) And if you happen to get stuck in the cottage we were in…well…bring your guitar along…learn some harmonies…and sing a rousing rendition of "Take Me To the River" with the fake singing fish!