Don, Edna and I were all still eating. And Stan’s bus still wasn’t there. I yelled back that we’d be leaving soon…just to try to shut Edith up. Fortunately just then seniors from Stan’s bus began trickling into the buffet. And each and every one of them got an update on Edith’s plight….both from Edith and the hostess…two distinctly different versions of course. If the hostess’s eyes had rolled back into her head any further she might have been taken for dead.

Soon enough…but not soon enough for Edith…we were loading back into Big Red. Much to my dismay Don was standing next to the side door, again sucking down a cig like there was no tomorrow. Smoke began wafting into the van. And as Edith pulled herself into the front passenger seat she began ripping Don a new one.

“I TOLD YOU!! I can’t stand SMOKE! Now you’re gonna have to take me to the HOSPITAL! You are being STUPID!!”

I asked Don to please stomp out his smoke and get into the van…which he did. Edna sat stone silent. I told Edith we could drive with the windows open until the smoke dissipated. She wasn’t buying it.

“I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! I’m putting my MASK on!

Edith pulled out a mask and put it over her face. I sat staring straight ahead…fingers dug into the steering wheel…teeth clenched…pointing Big Red through the sleet on the freeway. And we literally drove for 15 minutes in the cold…and the sleet…with the windows wide open. Don fidgeted in the back. Edna seemed dangerously quiet.

I spat out, “The smoke is gone now Edith” and closed the windows. For a minute or two she seemed to accept this. Then, all too soon she blurted “Do you have any IDEA how HOT IT IS UNDER this MASK?!”

I stared straight ahead…hands tightly on the wheel…biting my lip.

“No I do not Edith”.

“Well it’s HOT! HOT! HOT under a mask like this!!”

“”Then take it off.” I suggested as politely as I could muster.

To my amazement Edith did just that. And for a brief moment…a very…very brief moment…I thought maybe she might fall asleep…or at least calm down.

Until…

“THAT was a LONG WAY TO GO for DINNER! And it wasn’t THAT GOOD EITHER if you ask me!”

It took all the strength in my being not to tell her no one had asked.

Edith continued, “And I asked the waitress for some tender chicken tenders but did she bring me tender chicken tenders? NO! They were CRUNCHY! I couldn’t eat them! All I had was mashed potatoes and gravy ‘cause I got no TEETH!!”

The rest of us sat in awe of Edith’s mastery of bitching. At least Don and I did. I have no idea what was going through Edna’s mind. I again thought of my Aunt Edith.

Perhaps on 4 more occasions we heard “THAT was a LONG WAY TO GO for DINNER! And it wasn’t THAT GOOD EITHER if you ask me!”

I was obsessed with getting people home and decided to reward Edna and Don for their patience by dropping them off before Edith. But before I could do that Edith had a new mantra…reading the distance signs…which ironically was a bit comforting to me driving a strange vehicle in foul weather.

“30 miles to Columbus” Edith would announce.

“Columbus 19 miles” she’d inform.

“Only 5 miles to Columbus!”

By now it was almost 8 p.m. and dark. Finally…and I mean FINALLY…I got Edna and Don home. Edith calmed down a little after that. I really did understand her anguish about Don’s smoking. Still, I did NOT need to hear how it was too far to go for dinner and it wasn’t worth it if you asked her…3 more times.

So I pulled Big Red as close to Edith’s apartment as I could. The sleet had subsided a little. I helped her out of the van and handed her the walker. I watched as she slowly made her way towards her door…a little stooped but determined…a cantankerous case of dynamite old lady. But…when she got about two thirds of the way to her home…Edith turned toward me…and with a wide toothless smile said, “Thanks Hon! It was a wonderful evening!”

Epilogue: People are complex sometimes…especially seniors. There is always something new to learn…whether it’s a good thing or not…whether you want to learn or not. A couple days later Edna and Edith got into a conflict on a long trip…almost to Cincinnati. (Hopefully…for all the passengers’ sake…it was good because that IS a long way to go for lunch!) Apparently on the drive down Edith sat next to Edna and asked her to “move your big purse. I don’t have enough room.” Edna refused. And for some unknown reason they again sat beside each other for the ride home. And again Edith asked Edna to move her big purse. Edna responded by punching Edith right in the face. Stan had to stop the bus and separate them. So, I guess Don was right. Edna was going to explode. It just took her a while.