SWEAT...

...that's mostly what I did on the trip. Dan (the Man Behind the Curtain) and I flew down to Fort Lauderdale, rented a bright yellow Mustang convertible, and drove down to the southernmost place in these United States...Key West. From the time I got off the plane (actually I did a little sweating ON the plane also)...took the shuttle to the rental car lot...and hopped into the passenger side of our pony car...I sweated...profusely The heat in Florida was above average reaching almost 100 degrees a couple of days. I soon realized that's what everyone was doing...in varying degrees...sweating.

But if a man's got to sweat the Florida Keys is one of the better places to do it. The drive down was great! Not a cloud in the sky...CD player churning out those stereotypical "We're at the beach tunes" like Jan and Dean's "Ride the Wild Surf" or Bob Marley's "Buffalo Soldier"...even John Hiatt singing "Thank God the Tiki Bar is Open". Wiser...and of course...OLDER than previous excursions the two of us have taken...Dan kept the cruise control securely at the speed limit. There were cops everywhere. Nine people have lost their lives on this stretch of highway since the beginning of 2002 so their presence was a good thing.

It took us a good part of what was left of the day to get all the way down to Key West. It was a leisurely pace. Slow enough to apply my grade 45 sunscreen several times. I no longer care about the white folks "tan obsession". I'm too old for that. Besides...getting a tan is a LOT of work. Wearing a hat isn't. And I never intend on asking my doctor about Botox...ever.

Our hotel in Key West was the Crowne Plaza La Concha. It's an older place that harkens back to the days before Hemmingway. It's also the tallest building on the island...although the view from the bar on top wasn't overly impressive. But the place is very charming and the entertainment in the bar downstairs was a hoot. A trio of early sixties clad singers called...quite appropriately...the Fabulous Spectrelles...did a fine job covering the pre-Beatles 60's era...leaning heavy on the girl groups. And since the bar was air-conditioned I took a brief respite from sweating...profusely.

Besides a delightful...albeit REALLY sweaty...tour of the house Ernest Hemmingway resided...and wrote prolifically in for the nine years he was in Key West..we spent our idle time roaming the streets of town...initiating our new weight loss diet consisting of mostly raw oysters and conk fritters...and hanging out at an establishment known as Captain Tony's.

Captain Tony's was the original Sloppy Joe's. Hemmingway hung out at his good friend Joe's place almost every evening. And when Joe lost his lease on the place he became so enraged that he tore the urinals out of the men's room and threw them in the street. Hemmingway told Joe that since a good deal of his cash had gone down the drain in these very porcelain troughs he should be able to take one home with him...which he did. Ernest Hemmingway dragged one of these very urinals several blocks to his home...where his wife (one of four) Pauline transformed it into a fountain. Such is the lore of Key West.

Joe moved his bar across the street where Sloppy Joe's is now. But Hemmingway left Florida shortly after that. Currently there is a very distinct difference between the two places. Nowadays Sloppy Joe's is...beginning around 11 am...loud and...well...boorish. As Gary Hempsey (one of the fine acts Dan and I witnessed at Tony's) so aptly put it, "There are 400 bars in Key West and one saloon...and that's Captain Tony's. Dan and I played a lot of pool there...listening to music from people like Gary and very talented duo called Black and Skabuddah. All the while...you guessed it...I was sweating...profusely. Playing cover tunes for tourists is something in many ways I can relate to. But most of these musicians have Cds of original material that they sell. What I purchased is quite good...and a nice departure from drunken revelers yelling for "Cheeseburger in Paradise". But I'm sure the hustle pays the bills. AND...I have to mention that Captain Tony himself hangs out there...right by the t-shirt counter. This once mayor of Key West is a local icon. Unlike most politicians Captain Tony was able to keep ALL of his campaign promises. Those being to "continue to drink and chase women". As far as I can tell these are still two of his major motivations.

During the time Dan and I spent in Key West there was one assumption a lot of people made about us. They assumed we were a couple...which is far from being unique in this diverse "live and let live" environment. And...although I wouldn't call Key Largo the bastion of conservatism once we arrived there it was obvious folks assumed we were fishin' buddies. It must have been the ball caps we were wearing. I dunno. That's one of the big things I've noticed about Florida in general...it has many layers and to enjoy a visit you have to delve as deeply as time permits.

Since there are over 40 keys in all...comparing West with Largo is probably an oversimplification. I'll continue my research...rest assured. But for now it's just the two. And Key Largo IS different from Key West. Dan and I stayed at the Marriott Key Largo Bay Beach Club. It's one of those resorts that has everything yet Is not an all inclusive...but it does have enough activities and facilities that...if you wanted to...you wouldn't have to leave the premises. My wife and I stayed at a Sandals resort in Jamaica several years ago and it was kind of like that...although this had much less of the "minimal security prison" feel to it. Snorkeling, massages, pool, boat rental, deep sea fishing excursions...they're all here. But I'll tell you...it AIN'T cheap! Dan and I were going to go snorkeling. Instead we decided on eating breakfast...which ended up costing almost as much. I'm not saying Key West isn't expensive. I just didn't figure Largo to mirror the expense.

So we hung around the pool where it reached almost 100 each afternoon. It's a strange experience sitting in a swimming pool...sweating. And we continued our diet of conch fritters and raw oysters...washed down with either beer or a margarita. But the first night we headed over to the Tiki Bar for some jazz. When we got there we saw a guy playing a keyboard with a rhythm unit doing an incredibly commercial version of Johnny Nash's "I Can See Clearly Now" (irony?) and immediately we headed to the main bar to inquire about some more "local" fare. Sometimes it takes a trained eye to distinguish between the genuine...and the cheesy. It was obvious to me a significant number of people cannot do this.

At the restaurant bar called Gus' Grill (my mother's nickname was Gus) we met a wonderful bar maid named Chris who gave us the skinny on Key Largo. Soon we were enjoying raw oysters and conk fritters at a place known as Snook's (which was my father's nickname)...learning to surf indoors at a surf shop...checking out the ACTUAL African Queen from the movie of the same name...and basically having a whacky good time. It goes without saying that during this whole stay on Largo I was sweating...profusely..with a smile on my face.

I'm sure I speak for Dan when I say that it was great fun. I'm not sure I would ever consider living in Florida but it's a great place to visit if you throw yourself into it. (I know it's difficult to believe but I had to be coaxed into trying "indoor surfing") It's hot as hell in May...but that's what you go down there for isn't it? Be sure to make some reservations before you go. And brace yourself for the surprise costs. Florida doesn't have a state income tax. So they heap it on the tourists. Parking at the hotel can be as much as $20 a day...as is room tax. And you might have to choose between breakfast and snorkeling. But to make up for the cost do what Dan and I did...keep the thermostat in your room at 58 degrees. That way you'll have a good night's sleep in preparation for the following day of...well...SWEAT!!! And of course...when my plane touched down in good old Columbus, Ohio at the end of our adventure it was raining...profusely.

.......Pat & Leah from WI,,,,,... Rick & Dan FAR South,,, Rick "Surfing"