Ahhh, Fort Lauderdale

My wife had to attend business meetings down in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida late in January so the two of us decided to go down early and get away from the 50 degree Central Ohio winter. (ain't global warming grand?) Lauderdale may or may not hold a certain allure for those of us old enough to remember Connie Francis. She had a big Top 40 hit way back in 1960 called "Where the Boys Are" from the movie of the same name. After we finished our little excursion I actually checked the flick out from the Columbus Metropolitan Library. I was amazed they had it. But I was even more amazed at how BAD (and I'm being kind here) this movie is, was and will always be. Ft. Lauderdale used to be THE place for spring break although that's all in the past. That's the setting for the movie...coeds on spring break looking for boys at the beach...heavy huh? About the time Paula Prentiss...who is lying in a one piece on Lauderdale Beach with her girlfriends (right across the street from the Elbo Room) announces that "All I want is a boy. Then we can get married and I can turn into a baby factory." I was reading to puke. (yet another favorite spring break activity!) And I suppose every boy on this beach is looking for a baby factory...er I mean girl just like this. Maybe this is a period piece. I for one...do NOT want to go back.

Okay...getting there. Fly. Unless you are a penniless college student with lot's of time on your hands or if you live in Miami...fly. I know flying can be scary now. But the odds of tragedy still favor driving over any other means of transportation. Since it's Florida all you have to do is pack a carry on. Don't be foolish. It's 80 degrees. There are 10 million t shirt shops there. I'm an expert on this. I learned the hard way. I once took a sweater to Maui. You know...in case it got cold. Also, with just a carry on bag...instead of waiting in long lines for at least two hours you can be reading a nice book by the gate...for at least two hours. That's the way it is now. Be Zen about it. Its going to take almost all day no matter how you look at it.

Next...the rental car. I include this because Ft. Lauderdale is for automobiles. The traffic is incredible. There are streets with 8 lanes. Crossing the street by foot can take up to half an hour of your precious vacation time...especially if you happen to be walking behind some retirees...which happens EVERY DAY!!! Surprisingly there are municipal lots to park in...even on Saturdays. And no trip is complete without the "Rental Car Marital Discussion". In my case this usually involves a lively conversation about how to operate something on the car you just rented. This trip it was "how the HELL do you adjust the driver's seat?!!!" Last year in France we had a real good chat...Yvonne and I. I had pulled the Opel up to a gate only to find it was the wrong one. And I could NOT for the life of me figure out how to put an Opel into reverse. I ended up getting out of the car and yelling...in English...to a parking lot attendant. I said, "You've got to back this car up for me." And although he knew English his response was "But sir, it is not my job." That's the same line he used while getting into the car. It's the same line he used while backing up the car. It's the same line he used when I gave him a tip. Keep in mind that rental cars never have owner's manuals in the glove box. Perhaps it's because no one "owns" them. I dunno. In France the manual would be in French...but you look for it anyway...and it's not there.

And finally...the hotel. There are plenty of "local color" pink and baby blue hotels, motels, etc. by the beach. We stayed at a suite type place off the beaten path. Until the sprawl comes out to meet it of course. I doubt any one is going to get a good, cheap, clean hotel in Florida, especially in January. We arrived late. The smoke detector in our room was chirping because it needed a new battery. And, of course, we were moved to another room instead of merely finding a 9 volt battery. After we finally got settled in our SECOND room it was time for a nice cold relaxing beer. But soon I realized there was no opener. Since no one can bring stuff like this on airplanes any more I naively figured the hotel would have one. The woman at the desk said she didn't and she had no access to the bar. She then looked at me and said...I suppose to be helpful..."C'mon! You can open those beers without a bottle opener." I believe she batted her eyelashes while saying this. I simply replied, "I appreciate your confidence in me. However this is REAL beer and does not have twist off caps." I'm not sure she understood. So I went back to the room and tried to be Zen again. The door jam didn't look TOO bad afterwards.

So what about Fort Lauderdale? In a nutshell it's bleach blondes, bikers, and boob jobs....not necessarily on that order and could very well be a combination of two or more. (a little aside...friends of ours residing down there informed us that the helmet law had been repealed and two days afterwards the woman who led the anit-helmet crusade was killed in a motorcycle accident.) I've know for a long time that warm weather, sun and fun can attract some pretty shallow people. Fortunately, once you scratch the surface Fort Lauderdale has a lot of wonderful things to offer.

Like the beaches. The beaches there are very nice. CROWDED...but nice. We spent an afternoon cruising around Lauderdale-on-the Beach visiting the tacky shops, the pier, eating great seafood at one of the many funky casual restaurants. Sure the beach is where you'll see the most of the "3 B's" (bleach blondes, bikers and boob jobs) but. like a summer carnival, if you get into the spirit of the experience it can be enjoyable. You know...be Zen again. (Editor's warning - being too "Zen" about boob jobs can give a man a really sore neck!)

There is plenty of art here also...although given our time restraints we didn't get too enjoy as much as I'd wanted to. And museums tend to be closed on Mondays no matter where you are. But the two of us did get to wander around on Las Olas Boulevard. The area is crammed with galleries, upscale yet casual restaurants and music clubs. On a whim we drifted into O'Hara's Jazz and Blues Cafe (oharasjazzcafe.com) late one afternoon and sat through a delightful set of jazz by a group called Larissa Locket and Co. The barmaid informed me that Larissa was a mere 17 years of age. She was quite good and has played with the likes of Lou Rawls, Shirley Caesar, and Roberta Flack. Good credentials for some one three times her age. After the set I spoke with her and her father...who plays keyboards and is her manager. Nice people and talented also. I haven't seen that combination much in my life. It was a great way to cap off a delightful afternoon. (I tried to talk Yvonne into buying a sculpture earlier in the day. A genuine piece of art. She convinced me...after much wailing and gnashing of teeth...that new kitchen cabinets could be very, very artistic) Las Olas Boulevard proved to be a wonderful change of pace from the beach and it's "3 B's".

Our final day in Ft. Lauderdale was spent at a place called Butterfly World. I'm not a fan of tourist places but I have to admit I found this quite interesting. Butterfly World is located in a huge park. Basically it's a set of buildings with screens instead of walls and ceilings. And I can't really describe how beautiful these creatures are. They are hatched there continuously. When you walk into a new section hundreds and hundreds of exotic butterflies are flying everwhere...landing on your clothes...fluttering around the lush gardens. Another building had a collection of humming birds from around the world. We spent over three hours at Butterfly world and I would highly recommend visiting when in the area. Go on a weekday to avoid enormous numbers of people.

But before we said good bye to Fort Lauderdale we made a pilgrimage to none other than the Elbo Room. In the movie "Where the Boys Are" this is a jazz club where a hip cat (played by Frank Gorshin...who later played the Riddler on the 60's Batman TV show) and his band performed. The reality of the Elbo room is...well...there's no room for a band anywhere. And it doesn't look anything like the club in the motion picture...at least inside. I suspect the fact that it's so small is why the name is spelled E-L-B-O. There's no friggin' ROOM for a "W". Perhaps the president should be invited for an Elbo Room "W" night. He owes these folks big time anyway. Just keep him away from the pretzels.

So there you have it. A short overview for a short trip. What I've learned about visiting Florida is that if you let yourself experience the less than stereotypical beach adventures (as well as the 3 "B's") you can find a diversity of activities that will provide a broader vacation experience. I had a wonderful time...even if I did have a sore neck from looking at all those...uh...butterflies.